literature

Internet University: Part III

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Literature Text

(A warm day on campus, as per the unwritten laws of IU, fills the grounds with various mobs of students, chatting amongst themselves with not a sad emoticon in sight. Among them, weaving in and out of the crowded bandwidth, our hero Facebook seems to be surveying the area for something. His time alone is short lived, however, as he's soon spotted and charged by his hastily dressed younger brother. Stopping only briefly to show off his friends list to a group of attractive sunbathing Juniors ("Log off, creep!"), Myspace finds his way to Facebook, waving his arms around animatedly.)

Myspace: "F4c3b00K, bR0!!1 0v3R h3R3!"

Facebook: "Dangnabbit. Myspace I'm really busy with something. Can this wait until tonight or something?"

Myspace: "N0, dUd3, u d0n7 uNd3rs74nD! 1 n33d ur h3lP w17 s0m37h1nG"

Facebook: "I've already explained this to you, Myspace. That creepy guy Tom is not really you're friend. You should probably stop inviting him to things"

Myspace: "Wh47? N0 n07 7h47. 50m30n3 15 5t4lK1nG m3, m4N!"

Facebook: "Uh huh. That's nice."

Myspace: "1m 53r10u5 FB! 1m 5c4r3d!"

Facebook: (sighing) "Alright, I can tell by your Mood that this is serious. Which Sexy Single from our area is 'stalking' you this time?"

Myspace: "17s n07 0ne 0f 7heM….My 53rv3R w45 t00 mUcH f0R 7h3M 4nYw4Y5, 1f u n0 wH4t 1 m34n. (Facebook rolls his eyes) 1t5 7h15 M1dg37! H3 k33ps 7r4c1nG m3 3v3rYwh3R3"  

(Facebook glares at his brother, ready to Block him, when he glances something over Myspace's shoulder. A gaping hole, about ten kilobytes away, is regularly spurting out piles of dirt, to the utter confusion of a group of nearby Freshman. Bingo.)

Facebook: "That's funny, bro. That's really funny. Now could you excuse me? I have to do something"

Myspace: "Wh47? 7h47s 17? U 5uCk, u kn0W 7h4t? M4yb3 W1k1 w1LL kN0w wh47 t0 D0"

Facebook: "Doubt it. He only knows about notable things, remember?"

Myspace: "5cR3w u"

(Myspace spins around and begins walking off until, disappointed that the sunbathers have moved on, he darts in another direction, his head cautiously looking over his shoulder. Ignoring him, Facebook approaches the hole, which looks much deeper up close, and cups his hands over his mouth.)

Facebook: "Yo, Digg! I need a second!"

(The steady thumping echoing from within the chasm ceases. Seconds later a mining helmet adorned girl, encrusted from the head down with grime, pops her head into the sunlight. Prying off her goggles, the student reveals her brilliant green eyes, like gems amongst the dirty brown of her short cropped hair)

Digg: "Hey-o! Facebook the ever-popular has come to see little ole' m- whooooah what is that?"

Facebook: "What? My chatbox?"

Digg: "Bury that thing! Bury it now! Recent Studies Show Chatboxes Increase Your Chances for a Fatal Crash!"

Facebook: "Yeah…well, I think I'll take my chances"

Digg: "That reminds me, Check out 'Chance is for Suckers', the New Skit from LaughFactory!"

Facebook: "Right. Okay, listen Digg. I kinda have a question"

Digg: "Question? I'm not a Search Engine pal. Though you should watch Dayline's To Catch an Engine. 300 diggs and countin'!"

Facebook: "Digg, I need you to focus. Focus on one topic"

Digg: "Woah! The Top 10 Greatest Focus Techniques are-"

Facebook: "DIGG!"

Digg: (Startled, her helmet slides to one side of her head. She doesn't seem to mind) "Alright, alright, buddy. What 'cha looking for? Science? Games? Ohhh you look like an Offbeat fella' ta me"

Facebook: "It's about a person. A girl."

Digg: "Girls are from Mars-"

Facebook: (Interrupting) "A new girl. Just transferred. Likes drawing. Heard anything?"

Digg: "Huh. Maybe. What's with the interest, oh clean one?"

Facebook: "Just interested"

Digg: "No, if you was interested you'd just ask 'er. No one comes to me if they're interested in anything. They come when they're bored outta their mind and roll with whatever comes outta this here hole. Digg?"

Facebook: "Look, do you know anything or not?"

Digg: (With a devilish grin, Digg plants her shovel in the ground with a thud.)"Art Prodigy Comes to Internet University. That take yer fancy? How's about this? New Artist Rocks the IU Community Oooo, a LOTTA fellas like you dugg that gal. You got some competition, palley-boy."

Facebook: "No name or anything?"

Digg: "Do I look like a networker to you, loverboy? You're the socialite. You tell me."

Facebook: "Okay, thanks anyways Digg. Guess I'll have to Request the old fashion way"

Digg: "That ya do. Now if ya'll excuse me, I have something juicy down here that ya just had to interrupt with yer love issues." (Digg snaps on her goggles once more and ducks into the abyss of her cave. As Facebook turns to leave, he hears her faint voice amongst the thumps of digging.) "Well, I'll be a blogger's uncle, that's a beaut! Local Student Myspace Worried 'Stalker Will Come After Super Hot Girlfriend Next!'"

(The day slowly crawls by. Facebook tries in desperation to find more information on the mysterious student, to no avail, and eventually gives up the search in time for dinner. Entering the small Café Modem a small ways off campus, Facebook meets up with the ever eccentric Twitter and a crazed Myspace, already in conversation. Wikipedia sits quietly, an Article on the upcoming election obscuring his face.)

Twitter: "I am still unconvinced, Myspace"

Myspace: "WhY 4r3 u GuY5 b31nG 5uCh T4rd5? H3 k33p5 74iL1nG me 3v3ryWh3r3!"

Facebook: "Are you still going on about that?"

Twitter: "I am thinking he's been talking about this ever since we got here."

Myspace: "W3LL M4yb3 1m jU57 l00k1nG f0Ur 50m3 5uPp0r7. 1 m34n 3v3N W1k1 s4Y5 17s P0ss1bl3"

Wikipedia: (from behind his Article) "What I said, sir, was that it's possible you've convinced yourself you're being stalked. Don't quote me if you're trying to prove a point. And I greet you Facebook.  I haven't seen you in quite some time"

Facebook: "Ain't that the truth. How's it going?"

Wikipedia: "Google insists I attend these obscure therapy meetings with Professor Bing. I can't say she's light-headed, exactly, but she seems rather unfocused. Always trying to offer up alternatives to any questions I pose. 'Decision Assistance' she calls it. Add that to the recent surge in Mac support amongst our peers and this week hasn't exactly radiated brilliance"

Facebook: "Dang. That's harsh, man."

Wikipedia: "That it is, though I do have some solace. It seems Google was right on his word, and my old acquaintance Ebay is facing charges."

Twitter: "I am escstatic. I am hoping that a****le gets what he deserves."

Wikipedia: "He mostly …"

(Wiki shudders, then rearranges his glasses and continues)

Wikipedia: "Infernal Stubs! Bing claims it's the withdrawal that does it. As I was saying Ebay's generally tough to try. He gets large amounts of Positive Feedback with the jurors on most occasions"

Facebook: "Don't worry, Wiki, with Google- Holy ***t!"

(A flaming envelope shoots by inches from Facebooks cheek, embedding itself into the wall behind him. Twitter quickly douses the flames with some water on the table. Myspace, meanwhile, lies curled on the ground)

Twitter: "I am thinking it's safe to get up now, Macho Man"

Myspace: "Wh47? 1 w45 jU5t…ROFL1nG a7 uR f4C3!!1"

Wikipedia: "Not what my sources say"

Facebook: (Prying the damp envelope from the wall) "Honestly, who uses Hotmail anymore? I mean, geez"

Myspace: (Eyes widening) "DuD3, 17s mY 5t4lk3R!! 17s 707aLLy h1M!1!"

Facebook: "No it isn't, would you shut up."

(As he pulls out the letter, FB can already tell its sender; the paper is filthy, made even worse by the water now running off it.

[ "Hey there lovefodder, guess who's got some pretty nice info for ya? Ya know that girl ya'll have taken a pretty big liken' to? 'Sides me o'course. That artsy one? I just got a locale for an art exhibit she's settin' up on campus next Thursday…or Tuesday…kinda accidentally Buried that part, sorry. Anyways if 'yer fancien' to go ya might wanna look inta a new layout or somethin'. It's one of them 'I'm too good for a little mud' Forums. Can't stand the stuff myself. Oh well look at that, How to Look Like a Real Man Without Scaring Children. Bam. Anyways I gotta go, shineyshoes. Google don't like me diggin' at night.

-Digg

P.S. you best not still have that chatbox, stiffknees, or I'm gonna have ta show ya
How to Make Full Use of a Shovel AFTER Burying the Body."] )

Twitter: "I am asking well?"

Facebook: "Oh, it's…nothing"

Myspace: (Voice shaken)"7h47 L3773R w45 5uPP053d 70 k1LL m3 w45n'7 17?"

Facebook: "That's it Myspace, because of that you're picking up the Order Form. C'mon guys."

Myspace: (Voice instantly back to normal as everyone gets up to leave) "H3y! H3y, u C4n7 d0 7h- GuY5! U c4n'7 jU57 l34V3!"

Wikipedia: "Actually it is well within our range of physical capacity to "just leave" as you are currently-"

Facebook: (As he pushes Wikipedia out the door with Twitter)"Good to have ya back, Wiki"

(Myspace begrudgingly pays for the table's food, but before he can catch up with the others, he darts to the Spamroom at the back of the Modem. Finding it empty, he enters a stall, muttering about the smell. About five minutes pass, when suddenly the door begins to slowly creak open. As the four of them were the last customers in the café, Myspace naturally assumes they've come back to get him.)

Myspace: "Y0, gUy5 I'm n07 g0nn4 b3 7h47 mUcH l0nG3r. U d0n'7 n33d t0 cH3cK Up 0n m3. kthxbai"

(Silence. Soon an unsettling squeaky noise begins filling the room. Myspace leans under the stall, but can't see any feet outside.)

Myspace: "H3ll0? Wh05 0u7 7h3R3??"

(The noise stops briefly, and then starts up again. Faster than before. Myspace begins getting extremely nervous)

Myspace: "Wh0 15 7h47?! FB Ur t0t4llY 0ff 7h3 31gH7 f0r 7h15!!"

(The noise is even faster. Squeaking and squeaking. Myspace becomes hysterical. He hastily pulls up his pants and rips the door open.)

Myspace: "H0LY ****!!!1!!"

(In front of him sits a small gnome, its fiery red eyes directed straight at him. It's smile is inhuman; as if someone who had never been happy a day in his life attempted to imitate joy with crayon. It is a warped, twisted creature, with a beard seemingly moving, no writhing, and a blood red hat shooting skyward like a turret of the darkest castles of Hell. It's hands are stubby and grotesque, and its face looks painted on; a mockery of all that is decent in the world. Above its head, scrawled on the mirror in an inky, seeping black, were the words-)

YOU'LL NEVER ROAM ALONE
OooooOOOooo!! What's going to happen to Myspace? Will Facebook manage to attend the Art Forum? Will Ebay enact his master plan to get revenge on Wikipedia?? Don't put too much faith in that last one, I just came up with it.

Now I'm sure most of you out there are all "Hey, Derron, what's the deaaal? We, like, know who the art girl is already. C'moooon." It's called tension. So there :D

Any-who, Happy Halloween everybody! Or, in the probable case that you end up reading this after Halloween, happy demonic gnome day! Or something. Just go with it.

PS: If you're commenting (which, y'know, would be cool) leave what you dressed up as/are going to dress up as. I've heard some pretty awesome costumes ideas the past few weeks.
© 2009 - 2024 TheJoyfulTurnip
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Teamcraftedfangirl3's avatar
I first thought creepypasta, then I relized TROLLlolitrollu Flame Wars